A crush is an intense infatuation with someone that can be romantic, platonic, or anything in between. Crushes often come with a range of emotional and physical reactions, including butterflies, nervousness, and even a spike in hormone production. Typically, it’s based on some aspect of the person that attracts you — whether it’s their appearance, personality, or skills. While having a crush can feel incredibly exciting, there’s also a chance that it could lead to heartache or resentment.
It can be difficult to distinguish a crush from true love, especially for teens. But, according to psychologists and therapists, there are some key differences. For starters, “crushes are largely based on fantasy and what you imagine the person to be,” New York City-based therapist Bukky Kolawole tells INSIDER. “We’re seeing them through rose-colored glasses and we’re assuming they have all the characteristics we wish we had.” This can make it hard to differentiate it from a relationship.
But, there are some ways to deal with a crush if you’re already in a committed relationship. For one, it’s important to find closure. “If you can’t have a conversation with your crush and get clear about their feelings, it’s best to move on,” psychologists Melissa Orenstein and Rebecca Saxe write in the journal Psychotherapy. They add that, for this to work, you must be willing to let go of the fantasy and accept that your crush may not reciprocate your feelings.
Another option is to flirt with your crush and see if they respond in kind. You can try asking them to get together outside of their usual shared setting or DM them on social media. “But before you do, it’s important to consider your existing partnerships, if any, and how your actions might impact them,” they write. “The most common negative outcomes reported by participants were moral concerns that their crushes represented betrayal, infidelity, or dishonesty to their primary partners.”
But, you’ll need a lot of patience and self-reflection to navigate crushing while in a monogamous relationship. It’s not uncommon to have a crush while in a relationship, but it’s important to consider how your actions might impact your partner and the rest of your community. Having a crush in addition to your main partnership can be stressful for everyone involved.