A crush is an intense and often unrequited emotional attraction to someone that may develop into a full-fledged romantic relationship or dissolve within weeks, months or even years (as in Mean Girls). These intense feelings are characterized by giddy emotions like happiness and excitement. They are fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, which creates a feeling of reward and pleasure. However, these feelings can also be stressful and anxiety provoking because they create high levels of stress hormones that activate the fight-or-flight response in our brains.
This is why it’s important to consider your current relationships, if you have any, before taking action on a crush. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, crushing on someone else can cause feelings of guilt and shame, especially if your crush is also in one. It could lead to infidelity or damage your trust with your partner. Ultimately, crushing on someone while in a relationship can be a major waste of your time and energy.
However, a crush can also be fun and exciting. In fact, participants who were in ostensibly committed relationships cited more positive outcomes of their crushes than did singles. Specifically, they reported that their crushes provided them with the thrill of fantasy and a temporary burst of self-esteem. They also described a desire to flirt and have friendly or even intimate interactions with their crushes. Some participants emphasized that these activities could be a way to test whether their attraction was mutual or if an intimate relationship with their crush was realistic.
Conversely, negative consequences of a crush were far less frequent than the positive outcomes. The most common coded excerpts referred to moral concerns that the crush represented some form of betrayal or unfaithfulness in their primary relationship. They also emphasized the risk that their crush would incite jealousy or otherwise harm their own relationship. Others cited other negative feelings, including embarrassment, frustration or nuisance.
While it may seem strange to have a crush while in a relationship, it’s actually normal and human. The sexy feelings that come with crushing on someone can provide a temporary lift in self-esteem, excitement and can even wake up dormant feelings of love. The key is to be honest with yourself about the relationship. Don’t blab about your crush to random friends and instead tell your close friends who you trust. This will help ensure that no one else will accidentally let your crush know about your feelings and potentially ruin your ego in the process.
If you’re ready to let go of your crush, try getting closure with them through a private DM or in-person conversation. Getting clarity can help you let the feelings go faster and reduce the possibility of hurting your own relationships. Just remember to be kind and respectful of their decision. You might end up learning something about yourself and your own needs in the process!