The term crush is used to describe an intense feeling of longing and attraction to someone with whom one has no real chance of being involved romantically. While crush is a distinct experience from love, the feelings are similar; both release mood-boosting hormones (oxytocin and dopamine) to the brain, cause an increased heart rate and butterflies in the stomach, and can lead to obsessive thinking.
In the context of relationships, it is important to understand how people’s crushes might impact their primary relationship, as crush can serve as a “detour” that disrupts and potentially disintegrates the primary relationship. Previous research has found that individuals in committed intimate relationships report experiencing a greater variety of positive individual outcomes (excitement, esteem, fantasy/escape) when they have a crush than those who are not in such a relationship. Conversely, the same research has also found that having a crush is associated with negative outcome experiences (emotional distress and dissatisfaction, conflict, anxiety, insecurity) when it occurs while a person is already in a committed intimate relationship.
To explore these relationships, we compared the experiences of individuals who were in established, exclusive relationships that included sexual exclusivity with those of individuals who were single. Our open-ended responses indicated that by far, most participants did not expect their crush to become intimate in the future. Instead, they viewed the crush as an attractive, desirable, yet unfulfilled attraction from afar that was intended to provide material for fantasy and/or social interaction.
A few participants cited negative outcome experiences involving their crush, most commonly stating that they believed the crush represented some type of betrayal or unfaithfulness to their committed partners. Other participants cited a range of other unpleasant emotions including awkwardness, frustration, and nuisance. These participants reported that a crushing person may interfere with their day-to-day functioning by distracting them from other tasks or activities, or that the crush might be perceived as an undesirable or unwanted partner.
Despite these negative consequences, the overall impression was that most individuals regarded having a crush as a positive experience in terms of satisfying their own needs. The desire to engage in flirtatious and/or intimate interactions provided individuals with a source of excitement, boosted their esteem, or offered a sense of fantasy/escape. Coupled participants also attributed a number of positive individual outcomes to having a crush, most frequently citing emotional relief and feelings of pleasure.
Whether it’s an ex, a co-worker, or a neighbor, it is normal to feel attracted to someone else and to have a crush on them. But what is important is that you recognize the difference between a crush and love. Crushing can be fun and exhilarating, but you must remember that true love takes time and patience. So, when the crush is over, don’t let it linger; instead, take a deep breath and remember that you’ll have other opportunities to find your soul mate. Just don’t waste another one on a person who doesn’t value you.