A crush can be a little bit like falling in love. Butterflies, giddiness, rapid highs and lows: it can feel like you’ve found your perfect match (or just a good hookup). But is a crush really what you want? And what is the best way to deal with a crush, if you have one?
“Crush,” a word with 15 definitions in the OED, was originally a noun, meaning a feeling of intense admiration for someone or something. Over time, the word shifted to become a verb, allowing people to describe their feelings about others—and even themselves. “Crush” can also refer to an action, such as crushing a can or a person, and can even be a metaphor for subduing someone or a situation. “If you have a crush on someone, you may find yourself thinking about them all the time and wanting to spend more and more time with them,” explains psychotherapist Dr. Christine Chavez. “It’s not always healthy.”
The word crush can be used to describe a romantic attraction as well as a general desire for someone, but it can also be used to describe a more platonic relationship, like friendship or family. It’s important to recognize the difference between these kinds of relationships, as crushes can have negative effects on your mental health.
According to a study published in the journal Sexuality and Society, the majority of participants who reported having a crush described it as unrequited. They said they didn’t communicate their interest to the person they had a crush on, and were content with friendly or flirtatious interactions. They also didn’t expect their crush to become intimate in any way.
Another study found that a crush is often accompanied by anxiety and fear, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy. This is probably because the person you have a crush on may not reciprocate your feelings or be available for sex, and can feel out of your control. In addition, the heightened serotonin levels and adrenaline associated with a crush can trigger mood swings.
The teen crush is the last gasp of wild youth before adulthood’s severe productivity demands. It’s why teen movies have a climax, when the crush either wrecks everything—the bus crash in Mean Girls, the accusation of theft in Titanic, or the broken friendship in Lady Bird—or brings everyone together for an emotional denouement.
A crush should not be consuming your life, taking up more space than your work or your family. That’s a sign you might be experiencing limerence, a disorder whereby the feelings you have for someone else take over your real-life relationships. It’s not healthy for you or for the person you’re crushing on.
So if you’re having trouble distinguishing between the two, try being more direct with your crush. If you know them well enough, and they’re receptive, you can be open about your feelings and ask them out on dates or hangouts. However, make sure to consider your existing partnerships, if you have any, before acting on a crush. Otherwise, you could end up crashing and burning your own relationships.